Desperately Seeking a Roommate

So as part of my move to Bulgaria, I find myself actively engaged in the process of finding someone to take my place in my lease. It's a beautiful apartment. The area is safe, picturesque and centrally located. My roommates are fun and considerate. You'd think it'd be easy, right?

It is not.

Tonight, however, it has become vastly entertaining.

But, wait. I am getting ahead of myself. First - some history. To aid in this ongoing process I have enlisted in the assistance of friends, coworkers, roommates.com and the ever-popular craigslist. For those of you who live under your beds or in a hole somewhere (haha, Marla, I am just kidding!), craigslist is a bulletin-board type website that features something for everybody. You want a Guitar Shaped Elvis Clock? You got it. How about a ride from Orlando to Birmingham? You're in luck! And if you are Naughty and Need to be Spanked, there is a 47 year old man in Central Florida looking for you.

Incidentally, you can also find apartments or roommates on craigslist. Of course there is a certain amount of, shall we say... sketchiness... involved with this process, but luckily I am a savvy girl who promptly deletes those messages offering me Viagra to increase my penis size or a really great deal on my next home loan. So when I received my first response to my ad from a "Humanitarian Officer" living in Australia seeking to move to the US, I was a little suspicious... but my hackles weren't entirely up. Just in case she was authentic, I sent a friendly reply informing her I had already found a roommate. But now there seems to be yet another Australian Good Samaritan seeking to relocate to Orlando and after some Google-ing, it is apparent the scam artists of the world have infiltrated virtually every aspect of our existence.

I know you are just dying to know what the e-mail said, so out of the kindness of my heart, I will share it with you!

"Hello, How are you doing? Guess fine I presume.... I saw your advert and I am interested in your room apartment. I am from Australia and I will be having seminars coming up soon in USA. Right now I am working for a Non Government Organization on a programme on children with orphans, heart related problems trafficking in children and women.My next programme/seminars will be in the USA and I will be in need of a room to stay for this seminars and I need to secure a room before my arrival to the US. I can't wait to arrive to the US because I have greatly appreciated the complexity and the nature of the United States. More so I will be staying for the period of 12-13 months, Please do get back to me with the room description, move in rent fees for the first month, Utilities and deposit if integrated and please look and tell me every conceivable circumstances of the place to avoid anything unaware. Please do email me undeviating at my personal email address. Look forward to read from you. Have a magnificent and prolific day. Kindest Regards."

Clearly this man is hoping that not only will I respond, but after exchanging a few e-mails, he will somehow persuade me to send him large amounts of money from my bank account. (Which is hilarious in itself because he really should have picked someone else if he's hoping to be financially successful in life. Right now I could send him about $12).

But I digress. Normally I delete these messages and promptly forget about them. Not this time, though! I have crafted the following response that may not only aid my little "Australian Humanitarian" in his endeavors, but will hopefully also snag us a new roommate, making my move to Bulgaria much less stressful!

"Hi! Thank you so much for your swift reply to my ad! The apartment is still available and you sound like the perfect roommate! You should know a few things prior to moving forward with any financial transactions.

1. My roommates like bats. A lot. In fact, they are both zookeepers and regularly bring home critters to care for them when they are sick. Don't worry, though! They do keep the bats in their rooms most of the time, only letting them out to get their exercise for an hour or two in the evenings. The bat sh*t is something of a problem... but the carpet is tan so it kind of blends in. Plus, if you spray some air freshener every morning, the smell is usually not too bad.

2. One of my roommates belongs to a Polka Club and she has members from the local Polka Pigs over until the wee hours. There is lots of singing and dancing! After experimenting a bit, I have discovered earplugs do not work very well, so I've learned to just join in. May I humbly suggest you do the same? After all, my motto is if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and now I have so many great moves I can break out at the clubs! Plenty of fun for everybody!

3. The other roommate has a foot fetish. Do you mind if she clips your toenails for you? She only needs to do this periodically - maybe twice a week. She'll also paint them a pretty color of your choosing if you want... but since I think you are a guy, you might not be interested in this part. I don't think she'll mind if you just let her tickle your toes with a feather instead.

4. My room (which you will be inhabiting since I am moving out) has a ghost. It's an old man ghost and he doesn't jump out at you or go "Boo!" or anything, but he does like to rattle his chains around 2 or 3 AM and rock the bed back and forth. If you just say very nicely (but firmly) "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! Stop it! I need to go to bed now!" (John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is his name)... he usually he stops. He also likes it if you sing "My Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas.

5. My roommates do not make much money and I am moving overseas to herd goats, so we will need you to transfer $310,789 USD into an account that we will send to you upon acceptance of these terms. Once we receive this money, a representative of our apartment complex will contact you and return your money in full, plus a 20% bonus. If you want, I could maybe persuade my roommates to throw in a bat or two for your room, as well.

Thank you for your interest and we can't wait to welcome you into your new home!"

P.S. - To any potential roommates, the stuff about the bats, the Polka Pigs, the ghost, the$310,789 and the foot fetish (I think) are all entirely made up. The apartment is great. Really!